Coven Wars

The rhythm of this one is loosely based on the 'nightmare' song from Gilbert & Sullivan's "Iolanthe"
I’m just a simple Christian soul who wandered into Wicca.
I was looking for a Goddess and a church without a vicar.
So I got into a large coven which soon broke into three
And I’ve no idea which one I’m in ‘cos they all look weird to me.

Marilyn, our HPS, insists she does things right;
But the others say she’s got this way of making it all trite.
She drops the cup, or seizes up when drawing down the Moon;
Or picks her nail during cakes ‘n’ ale and forgets tonight’s chant’s tune.

Now Dave’s been with us for five years but he’s still just a first degree;
While gorgeous Jay, who joined last May, in one night got all three.
“It isn’t fair!” Dave says and swears, while Marilyn stood and cried.
“It isn’t Wicca!” but Jay, with a snicker, tells Dave he just hasn’t tried.

Dave says “I’ve studied herbs and all, and know Kabbalah, too!”
“And made all me own tools as well – which is more than you can do!”
“I’ve read Gardner and Crowley and can recite all of the whole rite;
While all you’ve done is pinch her bum and wear your jeans skintight!”

Dave called it a day and went his own way and started his own brand of Wicca
Where people are told what they need for degrees and the rules are applied with some rigour.
But Jay the HP says Dave’s out of his tree, ‘cos he can’t start a coven without third degree;
It ain’t Wicca if so: it’s a cheat, it won’t grow; it’s getting religion for free.

Then Sue took a hold and began to get bold and started to ask some hard questions
And Jay took it hard while Marilyn snarled and said she’d got bad indigestion.
She asked why it’s hard to get ‘in’ at the start and find some HP to accept you,
And you have to guess what the group will impress and do all that you can to get through.

And then, once you’re there, if you feel it’s not fair you can’t swap around if you want to,
‘cos your HP has sway and if he won’t play then no bugger else offers rescue.
There’s no quality control on the HPS role and the group you are in does its own thing,
The significant reaction was sexual attraction and whether you were up for a fling.

Well, needless to tell this did not go down well and Sue left the next day without penitence;
But she’d just shown us all not a tale that was tall, but the issue of Gerald’s inheritance.
Now my choices are bare, and I’m just going spare, for I’ve no idea now what to do:
Is it Jay’s way or Dave’s that the right one for me? Oh bugger it – I’ll go with Sue.

©Alexa Duir 2001

⇐ Back to all Songs